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7-12-2013 NSA Doc #123-QA-666-DD/HBB-71213
NSA Electronic Surveillance Conducted XX-XX-XXXX [Redactions made to protect highly sensitive national security information, and in some cases, the parties investigated.]
OFFICER IN CHARGE: Special Agent Algernon Singley Smith
ELECTRONIC TECH: Singh M. Pocaladar**
[**S.M.P. graduated from same IT programs as SXXXX RXXXXXXX and reports that she was always a subversive character and may have been a poor influence on DXXXX DXXX, and has long-held antipathy against alleged anti-government provocateur HXXXX BXX BXX. Since SR is an American citizen and employed by an important worldwide commercial concern, with deep political pockets, caution has been made to protect the not-so-innocent.]
Following transcript is recording of secretly taped conversation between DXXXX DXXX (954-XXX-XXXX) and HXXXX BXX BXX (478-XXX-XXXX) at 10 AM on 7-12-13, AT&T Special Linkage, US FED COURT WARRANT #33-55-77885-2013
HBB: Is that you snookums?
DD: Sure is, my sweet nookie wookie, delicious XXXXXXXXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXXXXX, my. . .
HBB: Ohhhh, babay!
DD: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX [A.S.S.: Following five minutes of conversation have been redacted as inadmissible pillow talk and not related to case.] The ball and chain has left for work and I got ahold of the cell for a few, and I simply had to chat with you.
HBB: Oh thank goodness. I have been longing for your call. Our short sojourn in Miami at the café just wasn’t enough to satisfy me.
DD: You will never know the amount of subterfuge I underwent to get some time alone. Ha! She thought she had left me safe in the hotel room. Silly woman, doesn’t she know that there is no lock beyond my powers! And I would not be denied being with you.
HBB: I still think Mama might have seen that I was gone and Chickadee is very suspicious. She kept asking about the long, wispy hairs that were caught in my tiara the other night. Good thing there was a pageant going on near that silly nerd convention. What is up with that?
DD: My SXXXX loves those things. She gets all excited and jittery at the mention of Star Trek and Battlestar Gallactica and anything scientificky. She practically was XXXXXXX herself when she found out she might have a chance to have a picture taken with George Takei. And let’s not even talk about the Power Rangers. It was pink this, and yellow that ALL NIGHT LONG! About the only thing that would have excited her more is if Neil deGrasse Tyson asked her out. She is such a science hussy. I mean, if David Hasselhoff called, she would XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX in the back seat of KITT.
HBB: It’s such a shame. She really should be watching pageants.
DD: I know it! I have to sneak all the time to catch your latest episode. It makes my pine for your XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Oh my XXXXXXXXXXXXX little XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
HBB: [Inaudible recording, but sounding something like cooing].
DD: Plus she hangs out with those Tejada characters whenever she is down there. Downright subversives, I tell you. Did you know that XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and apparently XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX when XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. It is positively aberrant.
HBB: You wouldn’t hear of that stuff in Georgia, I tell ya!
DD: The trip down was terrible. A long layover in D.C. Made even worse because I was afraid we would not be able to consummate our rendezvous.
HBB: Heavens no! I’d have crawled all the way to Washington to be with you, my furry ball of fun.
DD: I mean, I love sitting in her lap, but with that plastic in the way. . .no fun!
HBB: Stop it! Right now. You know I don’t like hearing about her. She just doesn’t understand our love.
DD: I know. But you have to forgive her. She has always been good to me, except when she posts unflattering pictures of me. . .and she doesn’t even give me a kickback on the profits.
HBB: Shame! But it’s ok, cause I have enough money for us to escape to Brazil and live out or lives on the beach.
DD: Blame it on Rio. You are my Wild Orchid. My Samba Princess.
HBB: [Inaudible recording, but sounding something like cooing].
DD: SXXXX is a bit naïve. I’ve been sneaking out for years. I mean, why the heck does she think I sleep all the time when I am there, and that I sometimes look dazed and confused? I still remember that smoky jazz café, when you came sauntering in on the arm of XXXXXX XXXXXX. But one look from you, and I knew it was a match made in heaven.
HBB: Oh, my little crumpet. My Yankee Hunk of Hirsute Happiness. I remember it well.
DD: She still doesn’t know it was me scratching on those Jay Z recordings, or that I was the main filmographer for over 100 porn & MTV videos, and that Bloomberg regularly consults with me after hours.
HBB: You are such a renaissance cat.
DD: It was hell though, getting out of those cruel bonds in order to escape the shackles placed upon me by SXXXX at times, shackles of jealousy and owner-love. [A.S.S.: Contact has been made with the NYSPCA over possible violations of animal cruelty laws.]
HBB: I rubbed away the pain.
DD: Yes, you did. Those fingers were so nice.
HBB: And that raspy tongue just XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and awakened every XXXXXXXXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
DD: And she left me alone for really long stretches. She said she was out with her friends, but I know it was LeBron. He wins a couple of championships and he thinks he’s Michael! Or even Kobe. He needs to get over himself, or he’ll be right back in Cleveland.
HBB: He was at Florida Con too!
DD: A geek of the highest maginitude.
HBB: My gosh, I didn’t know sports and nerdiness mixed.
DD: I still can’t fathom her love of sports.
HBB: Oh my. I need to take her to a Tupperware party.
DD: And recently she has been reading some poems by this nefarious Jotenko. He must be some Russian communist spy passing himself off as a member of the literati. I am on to him. I think I might know who he is.
HBB: He does not have long to live then.
DD: I’ll bury him so deeply the search for Jimmie Hoffa will look like kids in a sandbox.
HBB: Did you like the lobster and caviar and fresh catnip I sent?
DD: Indeed I did. SXXXX simply does not understand my love of fine dining and extravagance. Do you remember that party at Brad and Angelina’s? Class all the way. Especially the afterparty.
HBB: Heeeeeeehehehehehehe. I thought you’d never get my XXXXX off.
DD: It was chewy, but I prevailed.
HBB: Yes you did! [Cooing] Angelina was so kind to lend me one of hers.
DD: So, when will I see you again, my little peach cobbler?
HBB: I think there are some pageants in the Big Apple soon. Will you be able to sneak out.
DD: No problem, snookums.
HBB: Oh, my hero.
DD: I want to speak with your writers. I have a few ideas of how we can best use your talents.
HBB: They just don’t know my marketability.
DD: Oh, I think I hear someone coming in. SXXXX must be taking another half day. I’ve gotta go.
DD: You know it babe! See ya soon.
[Transmission ended here. Transcribed by Emily Bannerjo.]