Thursday, January 9, 2014

(short version, for cats who want to party on the sly)

I know how to party. Been doing it for years, right under Sarah’s nose. And she ain’t no dumb mistress. No. But there is a fine art to evading the draconian restrictions she attempts to place on my outgoing personality and squeeze time with Honey Boo Boo. She thinks I laze about all day cause I am a kitty. . . no, I am sleeping off my wild nights. Anyway, you want to keep all things copacetic on the homefront (continued catfood and comfy comforters are important) while still carving out personal space for your inner party animal. Cats can have it all. Just ask my friend Hef. You think he’d have all those chickies if it weren’t for me? Ha! My Dad was Hef’s favorite and Poppa got to rub more p**** at the mansion than any five of his playmates. I’m telling ya!
Cats have always partied. Owners think the things knocked off shelves and bureaus while they are away are their cats sending them a message, but really it is just laziness and not tidying up as completely as they should. I tend to leave the house spotless. I even have special incense to eliminate the cigar smoke and heated Honey. . .if you know what I mean!

Timing is everything. For me it is easier than with some of my colleagues. Sarah is easy. If there is a Heat game going on, I can practically throw a party right there in the house without her even noticing (unless LaBron is having a bad night, but you know that ain’t happening often). She gets so immersed in her football (Go Canes! And several pro teams) that she hardly pays any attention to me. It also makes it easy for me to score chips and dips surreptitiously. Ha, you didn’t think I knew words like that, did ya! Beer and booze is a little harder to purloin, cause you know how she is. She hardly lets it cool down before she is on to another. Plus she does all that comedy stuff, and acting too. Sweet! More time for plentiful pleasant partying. She also has tons of friends always willing to wine and dine her. Some necessary items are harder to obtain. Caviar. Alabama pecan-infused bbq (for Honey). Luckily I love Indian food. And Sarah has a pretty good and diverse palate, so takehome boxes can easily pilfered. She thinks she accidentally throws stuff away. She is sooooo easy.

One obstacle is if your owner locks up too tightly. It is always good to stock up whenever you can. Be prepared. I have mastered loosening a secret window pane that she doesn’t know about. Any rat who reveals this knowledge will be found facedown in the sewer. I like to have several different beers (easy as pie here). Catnip is plentiful (and she just thinks I am loopy). I have long fur, so it is easy to hide the track lines, but I am no addict. I only party that way socially. But many of my friends, especially the ladies, have a hankering for the illegal stuff, and it comes in handy with the ladies sometimes.
Sarah has never found my private study (and she isn’t likely to any time soon; she is so inattentive). Solid mahogany paneling, plush chairs, brass ashtrays. Once she thought she saw smoke coming out of one of the sockets, but I managed to excuse that away.

Ok, that is all for now, I’ll perhaps let you in later on some neat masking schemes.

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