Monday, September 23, 2013


[Letter intercepted by NSA]

Dear Jim:
How are you doing? I am fine. I can feel the cold winds of winter approaching, and although I have a luxurious coat, kept that way with only the most natural and expensive treatments and salons, I still miss the warming rays and welcoming beaches (not to mention the spaghetti thongs) of Miami beach. I mean, who wouldn’t miss seafood at Joe’s Stone Crab or steak at Prime 112. My man Dwayne hangs there. HBB chats with the Kardashians. Of course, it is hard dodging the paparazzi---everyone always seems to want a piece of me. Sarah tries to keep them away, but the public needs their Duffy. I miss my mojitos at Nikki Beach Club. But what can you do when you are tied to a brilliant geek who likes New York? Huh? Got to hang with the one who brung you.

Sarah has been partying like a madwoman because of the Dolphins. They haven’t been 3-0 in forever. All this sports good fortune for her teams has gone to her head. She be calling up the stars, trying to get dates. Several of the Heat players have banned her cell phone number. She can get down right embarrassing on the sidelines, I tell you! A couple of brewmweisters and she’ll try to steal anything she can her hands on. . .jersey, cleats, jock strap. It don’t matter. I avoided an international incident by quietly returning Bosh’s championship ring. Scandalous, I tell you. Many people think she, and not the drugs, is what is causing the Odom-Kardashian divorce rumors, but don’t advertise that. She’ll know it’s me feeding the entertainment press. Hey. . .a guy’s gotta make some scratch.

Part of the problem is her hatred of HBB, my bubbly bambi bimbo beauty. You should hear the things she says. I love Sarah, but HBB brings out the cattiness. Know what I’m saying? She gets all green eyed about Mindy too. She tried to stroke me once, and Sarah dang near came out of her sari. You should have seen the scene she made at Diwali. I mean, dog, those girls were only trying to get the colored chalk off me. She just jumped to conclusions.

All her acting and comedic schedule means she leaves me at home a lot. I mean, how am I supposed NOT to get in trouble without supervision. Know what I’m saying? In this area alone there must be twenty willing. . .shhhhhh I think that’s her. She has been sneaking in later and later. Haven’t you been watching that foursquare or whatever, all these restaurants and clubs she’s been hanging out at . . .WITHOUT me, I might add. I mean, really! There is no cat that can hold his own like I can. You know that. Haven’t we caroused! Just don’t let her know about it.

Well, dude, gotta run. Catch up with ya later.

Your pal, Duffy.

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